“Our New Shampoo”
We’re going to
create a new shampoo from our laboratory shelves,
We’ll take these natural ingredients and mix them for ourselves:
Now mix some methylisothiazolinone
To begin our great design
And some methylchloroisothiazolinone-
(Like adding bright sunshine!)
We’ll need some phenoxyethanol-
Don’t want to vex the EPA,
For the dance next Friday.
Pass the PEG-7M and tricaprylate
And sodium citrate (looks like juice)
A drop of violet no. 2
So our hair won’t be chartreuse. (green!)
Now hydrogenated polydecene
So our hair will have layers in flight,
Two scoops of trimethylolpropane
-Be careful, it might ignite!
Add an ounce of pyrithione zinc
To keep those nasty flakes at bay
And a smidgeon of polyquaternium-10
So we’ll shine when we play croquet.
We love the stearamidopropyl
It makes us feel so good
And don’t forget the sorbitol
So our hair will bounce just like it should.
Now maybe some apple pectin extract?
I don’t know, that sounds too toxic.
A touch of fluoroquaternary?
It's better than
Then add some fragrance for the smell
So they’ll know when we’re upwind
And then some desodium EDTA
For body (don't want it thin!)
Squeeze me three drops of citric acid,
Cut a piece of dimethicone,
Squirt in FD&C blue no. 1
So we'll look good on the phone!
A vile of ammonium laureth sulfate
(Hold your nose, it smells)
Now hand me a little glycol distearate
To keep our dry roots jelled.
Two pints of cetyl and benzyl alcohols
For our hairs to have a party
Then a dash of cocamide MEA
So our hair won’t look so farty.
This shiny ammonium lauryl sulfate
Will give our hair that sheen
And finally, water for the base
ingredients to mix between.
So now we’re done, shampoo, twice rince.
Wait till they see us now, ha-hah!
Oops, used too much xylenesulfonate-
Who's that in the mirror! Us! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Fun Facts About Your Favorite Ingredients:
methylisothiazolinone- found in shoe polish and paint, was found to inhibit the growth of neurons in lab rats. Hmm... perfect! We don't want any lab rats in our hair!
methylchloroisothiazolinone- a potent allergen, a very good perservative. Hmm... More = Last longer!
phenoxyethanol- is capable of disabling the immune system's primary response mechanism. It can also cause systemic poisoning, headache, shock, weakness, convulsions, kidney damage, cardiac failure, kidney failure, or death. But on the bright side, it's used as a preservative in several vaccines!
hydroxyethylcellulose- is not degraded by common bacteria (but
makes for good tobogganing down the landfill hills!) It gives pseudoplastic
rheology and is a viscosifier in brines and saline fracturing fluids (that's oil
PEG-7M- minimum order- 36Kg (about 80 pounds). Data sheet- available soon!
tricaprylate- Fats in this Infused Intraduodenally Affect the Postprandial Secretion of the Exocrine Pancreas and the Plasma Concentration of Cholecystokinin but Not of Peptide YY in Growing Pigs. (now these were tax dollars well spent!)
sodium citrate- you can buy this at 600+ popular stores!
violet no. 2- do not use on eyes, lips, or mucous membranes.
hydrogenated polydecene- not only moisturizes the skin, but also lends a silky feel!
trimethylolpropane- a biodegradable lubricant of the formula C6J16O3
pyrithione zinc- also for skin treatment, anti fungal treats dermatitis, psoriasis, more!
polyquaternium-10- a specialty raw material for cosmetics and toiletries...
stearamidopropyl- has partly significant better conditioning properties than cetrimonium chloride!
sorbitol- originally derived from the mountain sorberry, is a naturally occurring sweetener found primarily in fruits and berries...
fluoroquaternary- a Substance in Cosmetics and Personal Care Regulated Under the Food and Drugs Act (F&DA). Nice.
desodium EDTA- also found in hydrating facial scrubs which gently exfoliates the skin without leaving irritation!
dimethicone- Keep away from sources of ignition. Synonyms: silicone rubber, silicone latex, latex, dimethyl silicone, simethicone, dimethyl polysiloxane, dermafilm, silbar, dimethicream, poly(dimethylsiloxane), methyl silicone, dimethicone 350, good-rite, gum, hycar, poly(oxy(dimethylsilylene)). Woah!
FD&C blue no. 1- The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) would like you to be aware of several reports of toxicity, including death, temporally associated with the use of FD&C Blue No. 1 in enteral feeding solutions (feeding tubes). Give me some of that yummy blue stuff, nurse!
ammonium laureth sulfate- a cosmetic detergent that exert emulsifying action, thereby removing oil and soil from the hair and skin!
ammonium lauryl sulfate- foaming agent in shampoos, and a permitted residue on foodstuffs resulting from herbicide application... well, I get it off my apples with my fingernails...
glycol distearate- also used in bath oils, acne treatment, anti-aging treatment, shaving products, foot odor treatment... it is a premium quality fatty acid ester that imparts an attractive appearance to the product! Yeah!
benzyl alcohol- It is used as a local anesthetic and to reduce pain! Also in pharmaceuticals, perfumery, and flavoring! Mmmm!
cetyl alcohol- a moisturizer (like brother benzyl), can cause alterations in the lipid bilayer of the epidermis, leading to irritation. Ouch!
cocamide MEA- booster en la formación de la espuma. Oops! That means it boosts the foam! Wild!
xylenesulfonate- added to thicken a mixture like shampoo, and increase the ability of water to dissolve other molecules. Like you hair! Ahhhhhhhh!
Sorry, got to go to work now. Finish later...